So why be alive if you don't follow your every dream...

**Brian Littrell - Welcome Home Tour - 11/4/2006 - Elmer S. McVety Centre - Toronto, ON, Canada**

*Part II - The Concert, Meet and Greet, and Road Trip Home*

After an interesting Road Trip to Toronto, we were ready for Brian's concert to start.  His set list was very similar to that of his Grand Rapids Concert, except there were some differences.  It was seeing these two shows that made me a firm believer that every show is different, even during the same tour.

Brian's opening act for this show was a young Canadian Insipirational artist by the name of Roshana.  I enjoyed her music and ended up purchasing her CD at the show.   

The playlist of this concert was similar to his Grand Rapids show but there was also one more song that was added.  It is a song that is not one of his own, but instead was made popular by country music artist Tim McGraw.  Brian sang "Don't Take The Girl," during this concert, which was shortly after his appearance on CMT's Studio 333 where he sang this song.  Just a little tid bit for you - the son of the man who wrote this song actually did the gardening for Brian at the first house he bought.  This is probably one of my favorite Tim McGraw songs so I was in heaven when Brian's amazing voice was the one singing it.  I was able to get part of it on video....but after watching it, I realized that I should NEVER sing along during concerts when I am taping.  So as you watch this, I apologize for the awful singing in the background, ruining Brian's heavenly voice.

"Don't Take The Girl"

The "Birthday Party"

At one point, Brian brought up a bunch of young girls.  It was one of the girl's birthdays and she was there with a bunch of friends.  There were a lot of them and I thought it was so sweet of him to do this.  I am not sure if the birthday girl was a fan of Brian's or not since she was so young.  My guess is that she would not have been there if she wasn't.  I can't even imagine what I would do if Brian were to ever bring me on stage, espcially during my birthday.

If you remember reading my Remembering 9/11 post, you will remember me talking about how it was during this concert that Brian shared the story of how Leighanne was supposed to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11/2001.  This was the first time I had ever heard this and my heart just sank.  I had been exploring my faith (or at least the start of it) a little more at this time and knew that it was God that kept her off of that plane on that Tuesday morning.  There is no other explanation for the feeling she had gotten to stay with her husband on that morning, instead of flying to the west coast.  It was an emotional story because that day was an emotional day and he was telling it before an emotional song.  Make sure to check out my Remembering 9/11 Post to check out the video of Brian talking about this and him singing "Gone Without Goodbye" afterwards.

Brian and Leighanne share an intimate moment

I also loved this concert because we got to experience an intimate moment between Leighanne and Brian when she came on stage and they shared in a nice simple kiss.  Every time I have ever seen them together, you can tell how completely in love they are with one another.  As a matter of fact, sometimes I wish my husband and I were more like them....as much as I love my relationship with my husband.  Brian and Leighanne are so much in love and you can see it just by looking at them and listening to the way that talk about one another.  Looking at them, you can see what love truly is and what it is supposed to be all about.  I cannot even imagine how life would have changed for Brian if Leighanne would have been on that plane on 9/11/2001.

The show itself was amazing, but what happened afterwards was even better in my eyes.  Tammy and I always wait until venues clear out a bit before we even attempt to leave the show.  We just never see the point of waiting in the crowds.  As we were waiting for the venue to clear out, we heard through the grape vine that Brian would be coming out for a Meet and Greet after he was done doing an interview.  I was so excited!  At this point, I had never met Brian...a dream if mine was going to come true.

Tara and I went to the table that Brian was going to be signing his autographs and were the first in line. Tammy was trying to figure out if she wanted to stay in front with us or if she wanted to go to the end of the line.  If she stayed first with us, she was guaranteed to meet Brian but probably wouldn't have the chance to actually talk to him about anything.  If she went to the end, she was not guaranteed that he would stay around that long but there might be a chance to actually talk to him.  She had met him before and he actually had influenced her to become a Christian.  She decided to go to the back of the line and take her chance there.

Brian and Leighanne visiting with the fans

Brian eventually came out and we were ready!  Leighanne was sitting with him as he was signing autographs and I thought it was awesome that she wanted to be a part of that.  She talked with the fans as well and was just so friendly to everyone.  I will be the first to admit that when Brian and Leighanne started dating, I was not very happy about it.  I was teenager and was jealous.  My friends and I would call her names and talk about how bad she was for Brian.  It was at this point that I realized that I did not know Leighanne at that time and had no right to talk about her like that, for she was being incredibly nice and friendly to everyone that approached that table.

We were informed that Brian would not be taking photos. I was upset by this because I wanted a photo with him.  I handed my camera to the person behind me so that they could take a photo of me meeting him.  As Brian was signing my item, I thanked him for his "inspirational voice and music."  When he thanked me for the compliment there was such a look of thanks and gratefulness in his eyes and smile.  You could tell that he was truly thankful for his fans and what he was doing to inspire others.  I then asked him for a hug and he gave one to me over the table.  I couldn't believe that I was actually in the arms of Brian Littrell, something that I had dreamed about for so long.  I could not wait to see the photos that the person had taken behind me.  Unfortunately, the person was too close and the photo did not turn out as I had hoped.

Getting ready for my hug

Anyone want to take a guess as to what I did next?  I walked away and cried.  I could not believe I had just met the man that was such an inspiration in my life...a man that I was absolutely in love with....a man that was teaching me about God and faith....a man that is just plain amazing.  I was overwhelmed. When I became a fan in 1998, a never in a million years thought I would get to meet Brian, let alone get to hug him.  I had made sure I had walked away so he would not see the emotions I was showing.  After settling down a bit, I returned to the table area, as we still had to wait for Tammy to get up to the table.  At that point, Roshana was out signing her CD's so I bought one and had it signed by her.  Leighanne had also left Brian's side at that point and was talking to fans off to the side.  Tara and I went over by her and also had her sign our items and then got a photo with her.

Tara, Leighanne, and I

My First Personal Brian and Leighanne autographs

Tammy eventually made it up to the table and had the ability to talk to Brian for several minutes.  She talked to him about the first time she met him and how he influenced her to become a Christian.  I was happy for her time with Brian, but I was also very jealous.  Brian had always been my favorite and I though I deserved that kind of time with him as well.  I know Brian had greatly influenced her but Kevin was her favorite.  I see now how it was stupid to feel this way but I did.  Maybe it is because I now have had conversations with him, although I still have not been able to tell him about how he influenced me to become a Christian, a conversation that I do want to have with him at some point.

Tammy's Brian hug

It was all such an amazing time and we went back to the hotel in high spirits.  I had problems sleeping because of what had just happened.  However, I knew we had a long drive back the next morning.

The trip back started out uneventful...at least compared to the Road Trip to Toronto.  We did want to stop for lunch and were specifically looking for a McDonald's because we knew that is one restaurant that we could actually find.  I mean there are McDonald's all over the place....except when you want one.  We could not find one to save our lives!  We did eventually find one, however.....after several hours of driving along the highway.

Remember how I said the trip back started out uneventful?  Well, that changed as we were coming back into the states.  As we passed through the passing point, we were informed that we were randomly selected to have our car searched.  Now, you have to remember that we had borrowed my brother's car.  He is a pretty good guy but I didn't know what he could have in that thing or if one of his frat brother's had something in there.  As the car was being searched we had to go inside a building and show our credentials.  Everything checked out and the car ended up coming up clear.  Whew.  I can now say that I have been checked out at the United States border.

As we were driving through Michigan, a Brian Littrell song came on the radio....so in the many, many hours of driving we were able to hear at least one Brian song since there was no CD player in the car.  We returned the car to the pizza place that my brother worked at and offered to pay for the light plug that had been damaged on our way to Toronto.  Larry's boss refused to charge and said he should have taken it out in the first place.  Larry gave us another free pizza and we exchanged vehicles.  We were on our way back to Muncie, crammed in my little Ford Ranger.  The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful.  We got back to Muncie pretty late and Tammy still have the long drive back to Nashville.

Overall, it was an amazing weekend and road trip with some great people!  Tara decided not to join my sorority after all.  I would see her around campus every now and then but never really talked to her much after the trip.  We are still Facebook friends and so I stay updated as to some of the things going on in her life.   Sometimes I wished we would have stayed in better contact but I have to remember that she decided to join this trip at the very last moment when I needed someone to replace Megan.  I think if I would have actually known her better beforehand and she would have joined our sorority's chapter, the friendship could have grown into much more.

Tammy and I have pretty much done all of my Backstreet trips after this one together.  It is pretty much the only time we get to see each other so we always have a great time anytime we do.  Who wouldn't have a great time when you are doing anything Backstreet Boys related.

Skeptics won't understand, it's strange from the world's point of view

**Brian Littrell - Welcome Home Tour - 11/4/2006 - Elmer S. McVety Centre - Toronto, ON, Canada**

*Part I - The Road Trip*

After seeing Brian live during his Welcome Home Tour in Grand Rapids, Michigan, I knew I had to see him again live and soon.  However, I was in college so it really needed to be during a weekend.  So it totally made sense for me to travel the 9 hours from Muncie when I saw that he would be in Toronto on a Saturday night in November....right?  It made sense to me.  You see when you have an addiction, sometimes you will just do anything to get a fix.  I wanted another Brian fix.  

By that point, Tammy and I had become pretty good e-mail friends after meeting her at the Grand Rapids show.  We talked about going to Toronto together after I had found out about the show.  I had done the last Brian concert and the Never Gone concert before that with Megan so it only made sense that she come too.  It was settled....we were going to travel across the Canada border to see an amazing man.

As the concert drew nearer, I was informed by Megan that her mother could not find her birth certificate.  At this point, one only needed a birth certificate to cross the Canadian border.  Passports were not required yet.  Megan was born in Utah so there was going to be no way for her to get a copy for the concert.  Now I had a dilemma....how was I going to find someone on such short notice to take her place?  I was lucky enough to find Megan in the first place to start going to concerts with.  I mean, I did find her in my sorority so I thought I would take a stab at possibly finding another Backstreet fan amongst my many sisters.  I sent an e-mail out to the Epsilon Sigma Alpha - Phi Apha body, including the girls who had just finished rushing the organization and were currently in their pledgeship.  I was hoping that I would get lucky there and find someone to take Megan's place.  Bingo....I got a hit!  One of the new pledges, named Tara, wrote back expressing some interest.  When she wrote back I wasn't sure offhand who she was since the fall pledge classes are usually pretty large and everyone was so new.  However, I didn't care...it was a chance to meet someone new - a fellow fan and a future sister (which did later change).  Plans were back in progress.

Interior of a Ford Ranger...not mine but not much different

In between the Grand Rapids concert and this concert, Tammy had moved from Kalamazoo, Michigan to Nashville, Tennessee.  The plans were for her to leave right after work on Friday night and drive to Muncie to meet Tara and I.  Because Tammy had been doing a great deal of traveling back and forth between Michigan and Tennessee recently, she did not want to put more miles on her car than necessary.  Tara did not have a vehicle.  I had a Ford Ranger.  Now, I am not sure how many of you are familiar with how small a Ford Ranger is, but there was NO WAY we were going to be able to drive for 9 hours with three of us in that itty bitty truck.  I had politely asked my brother if we could trade vehicles for the weekend, as his college town was on the way to Toronto.  Thankfully, he agreed but it would mean driving 2 hours north in the Ranger with the three of us.  I would gladly take that over 9 hours.  So, we had a car lined up with a CD player so we could jam to the Backstreet Boys for the remaining 7 hours.

Anyway, Tammy left Nashville right after getting off of work at 5 and made the 6 hour drive to Muncie. If you do the math, you will find out that she got into Muncie at about midnight.  We had been debating when we were making our plans as to whether or not we would leave right away and just get into Toronto early or sleep for a couple hours and then leave.  We had decided to leave right away to give ourselves plenty of time to get there.  We loaded up the Ranger with our luggage and were off.  Squeezing three girls into a Ford Ranger for two hours will pretty much lead to a lot of personal bonding so we got to know each other a little better.  Because Tara had joined in on the plans at such a late point in time, this was actually the first time I had met her face to face.

Me and My Brother

We got to Angola, IN at about 2am where my brother attended Tri State University (now Trine State) and was the president of the frat house in which he lived.  He had actually just gotten off of his shift at the pizza place he delivered for and had brought us a pizza.  When one thinks of a frat house, one would probably come up with the images of this particular one.  It was just flat out dirty and disgusting.  We walked in and several of the boys were playing poker around the kitchen table.  They commented on how much my brother and I looked alike and how we could be twins (even though we are 18 months apart).  We snacked on the pizza in his room and was visited by another of his brothers, who decided that Tara's new name would be Barbie.  He stayed and visited for awhile as we ate our pizza but we ate pretty quickly to get out of the filth and because we still had a 7 hour drive ahead of us.  We got settled into my brothers car, which was actually my step-mom's original car and was a two door purple Cavalier.  It still wasn't the ideal road trip car but it was better than the Ranger!  As we set off, we realized that there was one VERY important thing missing....a CD player.  I thought for sure that my brother had changed out the stock radio with cassette player to a CD player....WRONG!  Have you ever taken a long road trip with no CD player?  The constant changing of radio stations is not really much fun and who had cassette tapes anymore?  And while we spent most of the trip talking, it still would have been nice to have that option.  Tammy actually did the driving from Angola to Toronto since she seems to enjoy driving and she doesn't require much sleep.  Both Tara and I would doze off occasionally.  After all, it was super late.  

Sun Rise in Canada

As we were driving through Michigan, we started to here this banging underneath the car.  At first, we thought it was rocks or some kind of debris coming up and hitting the underside of the car.  But it kept getting louder and happening more frequently.  As soon as we could, we made a stop.  Remember how I said that my brother worked at a pizza place?  Well what do most delivery boys have on top of their cars?  A sign.  How does that sign light up?  A cord that plugs into the car's lighter and then into the sign (although he had taken his off to put on the Ranger while he had it).  What was the loud banging on the car?  The cord to that sign had gotten stuck hanging outside of the door and had been dragging and banging along the side of the car.  It completely destroyed the cord and we told one another that we were going to have to give him money to replace it.  I later found out that my truck was not ideal for him delivering pizzas because it has no dome light.  I guess we were even.  Now that the great sound mystery was done, we continued on our way.  We crossed the border into Canada with no problems.  We even got to watch the sun rise.  We arrived to Toronto at about 11am.  So in case you need a recap of that trip:

Our Road Trip Overview

~ Nashville, TN @ 5pm -> Muncie, IN @12am (344 miles, 6 hours)

~ Muncie, IN @ 12am -> Angola, IN @ 2 am (112 miles, 2 hours)

~ Angola, IN @ 2am -> Toronto, ON @ 10 am (396 miles, 7 hours)

~ Grand Total = 852 miles, 15 hours

Oh, the things we do for the Backstreet Boys and their members!

I had only booked a single room at the hotel because it was cheaper for "2 people" and it was supposed to have a fold out couch that I figured one of us could sleep on.  When we got into the room, it was super tiny and did have a couch but I don't think it folded out.  However, there was no way all three of us were going to fit in this room.  We went back out to the lobby and exchanged out 2 person single to a 3 person double.  I took a shower and went to bed.  Tammy and Tara decided to go do a little exploring.  I still to this day do not know how they didn't want to pass out right there along side me.  It was later that I found out that Tammy just doesn't really sleep.  I know Tara had slept a little more on the trip because I had been trying to stay awake for Tammy.  However, when I don't sleep I get very cranky.  The concert was not until later in the evening so I knew I could get a few hours of sleep in.

Passed out after a nice hot shower

Tara just chilling in the hotel

Me, Tara, and Tammy waiting in the lobby with our
"Hello for Muncie, IN and Nashville, TN" sign

The girls eventually came back and we got ready.  We still wanted to grab some dinner.  We quickly found a McDonald's and had some familiar food.  We also found a bank and got some money exchanged over.  We headed to the venue, as this event was General Admission.  It was cold outside but none of us had really wanted to cary jackets with us.  Luckily, we were able to get into the main lobby where the lane snaked around the entire lobby.  This is where we remained for quite some time.  They let  people into the venue in small groups so there would be no trampling.  There were way  more people at this show than the Grand Rapids show.  We sat about 20 rows back but got a good center stage location and found some friendly Canadians to sit with.  Tammy went back to Toronto a few short weeks after this trip to see Kevin in "Chicago" with this same group.  If you could not tell between this and how we were introduced at the Grand Rapids concert, Tammy is by no means shy.  I, however, never interacted with them after this because I had no contact information for them.

Nice Canadians we sat next to

So, I think this post is long enough as there is still SO much to write about between the concert and our wonderful trip back into the states.  Stay tuned for part II coming soon...

When I look at you holding my heart, I will give to you all that I have...

**Brian Littrell - Welcome Home Tour - 6/18/2006 - The Intersection - Grand Rapids, MI**

There is no doubt that Brian has ALWAYS been my favorite Backstreet Boy.  However, when I heard that he was coming out with a solo Christian album, I had to think hard about whether I was going to buy it.  Immediately, I thought "of course I am going to buy it because I love Brian's voice and it is an album of just Brian."  The other part of me thought, "I was not raised with any kind of religion in my life so am I going to like or understand the content of this album and will that affect my feelings about Brian?"  I was in a dilemma.  I eventually decided that I was going to support him no matter what.

So on May 2, 2006, I drove to the local Family Christian Store in Muncie, IN because I thought that would be the best place to find it.  I looked at every single CD in that store and could not find Welcome Home anywhere.  I knew that if I couldn't even find it at a Christian store, there was no way it was going to be anywhere else.  I thought I would take a chance and ask the employee working there about the album.  I explained to him that Brian Littrell's album was supposed to be coming out on that day and asked if they had it in stock.  He went into the back and came out with a handful of the CDs.  They had forgotten to put them out!

As I always do when I buy a new CD, I opened it up immediately and stuck it in the CD player of my truck.  Unfortunately, it took less than one song to drive back to my apartment because I lived so close.   I transferred the CD straight from my truck CD player to my computer and continued to listen to the album the entire day.  I was in love with it.  At the time, I couldn't relate to what Brian was singing about but I loved just hearing his voice.  It was the thing that made me fall in love with him in the first place, after all.  Actually, there was one song that I related to and that was "Angels and Heroes."  I was (and still am) a member of a philanthropic sorority called Epsilon Sigma Alpha (ESA).  This group was made up of so many types of people who came together for one common goal:  to help others.  To me, "Angels and Heroes," represented our group perfectly.  I thought that every single one of my sisters was an angel or hero to someone that they helped while we were doing our service work.  In fact, some of them were heroes to me in great times of need.  We didn't have wings but we were all angels and heroes at heart.  To this day, this is still my favorite song of all time.

As I continued to listen to the CD, I started to ask questions about God and Christianity.  I was baptized Catholic as an infant but that was the extent of religion in my life other than a few Christmas Eve midnight masses here and there.  Because I was not taught any of this, I never had an interest in learning about it.  In fact, it scared me.  However, I could sense something in Brian's singing that I never had in my life.  It was a sense of peace, belonging, and happiness.  I knew it was because of his faith, but I was still not quite ready to take that step.

Megan and I at her house before leaving for Grand Rapids

Later in the month of May, news was released that Brian would be doing a small tour and I was lucky enough that there was a date (June 18, 2006 - The Intersection - Grand Rapids, MI) that worked into my schedule.  It helped that I was just taking summer classes at Ball State University.  I called the first person I thought of to go with me...Megan.  We had enjoyed ourselves so much for the Never Gone concert and she was really my only BSB friend at the time.  Even though she was an AJ fan, she agreed to go with me.

Muncie, IN -> Anderson, IN -> Grand Rapids, MI
274 miles - 4 hours, 49 minutes

I once again drove to Anderson to pick her up, but this time I was going to drive.  After our near death experience going to Cincinnati for our Never Gone concert, I thought it might be best if I drove this time.  This concert was going to be general admission so we wanted to be sure to get there early enough to get a good seat.  Little did we know that there would be no seats.  Anyway, we were following the directions to get to the venue, The Intersection.  The directions, which I had either gotten from Map Quest or Google Maps said we should have arrived at our destination, but we were still on the high way.  We did see the venue from the interstate, but there was no way that we were at our destination!  We were going to have to do this the old fashioned way, as we did not have a GPS.  We were either going to have to figure it out for ourselves or stop and ask for directions.  Luckily, I like to think I have an okay sense of direction and we got off of the next exit....into what looked like to be a very bad neighborhood.  This was not the time to be lost.  I continued to drive and we ended up finding the venue without having to stop for directions.  As we drove by the venue, we noticed that the line was not super long and we were pretty hungry.  We needed to go get something to eat but did not want to get off of the current road we were on, for fear of not being able to find our way back.  We found a Taco Bell down the road, ate, and returned to the venue.

The line had grown since we had gone to eat but it wasn't too bad.  We waited in line for awhile and then were let into the lounge of the venue to wait in line.  At some point in the transition from outside to inside, I lost one of my brand new earrings.  We were finally let into the show and that is when we realized that there weren't any seats.  This was a dance club/seat less concert venue.  The main floor was completely open but there was some seating around the perimeter.  Megan has some health issues and informed me that she would rather sit in one of the seats around the perimeter than stand for the show.  I told her I would sit with her, rather than stand in the group for the concert.

We, of course, had to wait for the show to start.  As we were sitting, a woman came up to me and said, "I know this seems really strange but do you have any batteries?"  Her's had died in her camera.  Those who know me, know that I like to be prepared for anything.  I reached into my purse, pulled out some batteries, and handed them to her.  She introduced herself as Tammy and we chatted for a bit.  We then exchanged e-mail addresses and agreed to write to one another.  And yes, this is the same Tammy that I do almost all of my BSB/UK stuff with now.  We still love to reminisce about how it was Brian that made us meet and become such good friends.

Opening Acts

Brian had two opening acts, Brandon Heath and Ana Laura, who were label mates of his.  Both were good.  Then Brian finally came on.  Even though I was towards the back of the club, this was the closest I had ever been to him.  I was so excited.  I knew I wasn't going to be able to just sit there during the show, so I left Megan sitting where she was (with her permission of course) and got closer to the action.  The man of my dreams was less than 20 feet from me!  I never thought that I would ever be this close to him when I became a fan those many years ago.  Little did I know that I would be much closer to him in the future.

Because it was so long ago, I don't remember the exact setlist unfortunately.  A search on Google pulled this up:

My Answer Is You
Wish
In Christ Alone
You Keep Givin' Me
IWITW/ALAYLM
Angels & Heroes
We Lift You Up
I'm Alive
Gone Without Goodbye
Grace of My Life
Welcome Home
That's What She Said
Over My Head

Brian being.....well Brian.

This looks correct to me and I remember certain things about certain songs.  It may not be the exact same order but I am pretty sure these are the songs he sang.  Overall, Brian continued the same crazy antics that he does during BSB shows.  He would take people's cell phone and talk on the phone with them.  He would make his same silly faces and voices.  It was great being able to just see him and not have any of the other Backstreet Boys gets in the way (no offense).  I also liked how personal it was.  It wasn't a big production.  He would play his guitar and sing.  There were no wardrobe changes or fancy pyro or light shows.  It was just Brian doing what he does best...singing.

For "You Keep Giving Me," Brian brought a church choir out to help him sing.  Brian joked all night about "bringing church to the club," but it was especially true during this song.  I couldn't find the whole song but I was able to find a clip.

Courtesy of Mei922 - YouTube

And even though this was a Brian Littrell concert, he still sang some BSB classics, "I Want It That Way" and "As Long As You Love Me."  After he was done singing "ALAYLM" he decided to show us that some old habits die hard when he decided to do the chair dance.  He also talked about how it was on the video shoot of this song that he met Leighanne.  

Courtesy of ACsShorty - YouTube

I was able to get my own video of Brian singing my favorite part of "Angels and Heroes."  My camera at the time was not the best and I could not get long portions of video so I wanted to save my camera memory for this part. 

"Angels and Heroes"

"Welcome Home (You)"

Finally, during "Welcome Home (You)," Brian premiered the music video for it in the background.  I instantly loved it and hoped that it would be available on iTunes so that I could download it and be able to watch it all the time.  Luckily for me, it was.  I also liked this because I got twice as much Brian Littrell.  I was able to watch him on the stage and on the video screen.  I could not complain about that.

I ended up buying some merchandise at this show.  First, I purchased a t-shirt.  The logo of the t-shirt was very faded to begin with but the shirt was SO soft.  It was perfect to sleep in.  It has lost some of its softness over the years but I still love it.  The second thing I bought, I debated on.  He had signed CDs there.  The only reason I debated on this was because I already had the CD.  What was I going to do with another copy?  However, I did not have his autograph.  I decided that since I already had multiple of several of their other CD's, why not Brian's as well?  I bought it and I now had Brian's autograph to display proudly.

Grand Rapids Merchandise

We travelled back to Muncie that night.  I loved every second of that show and I believe it allowed me to open my heart up just a little bit to God.  I still wasn't ready to make that leap of faith but I could tell that if I continued to use Brian as an influence, I might eventually get there.